Hi everyone, it’s been a while since I have made a post here. Going into lockdown mode for Covid-19 has brought me to an unexpected place, so just an update on that.
*CW: some personal feelings coming through!*
It has been a strange couple of months, having to stay at home for as long as possible. I feel like everyone is familiar with the stir craziness that occurs when you can’t leave and have to live with the same people each day. It feels like a lot of things don’t progress as fast as you hope.
I’m not really one to open up about my private life, but this time around I’m seeing how important it is to find experiences that you can relate to (especially when you feel alone in it). I am lucky to be able to explore these feelings where I live, so I hope you don’t mind reading about it; if you do mind, it’s pretty easy to get away from this post. Moving on:
Just before the outbreak was getting serious, I had an amazingly good year with a ton of personal growth. The year before was a huge struggle, but then it became a welcome breakthrough moment.
I had this key moment in 2018, where I was getting into the deep end of depression about how my life was going on; suddenly I didn’t find any enjoyment in my huge roster of hobbies, I was having difficulty keeping up with work, and despite what others said I was convinced that I was being completely useless. I had nothing going for me, what was I even doing here?
Luckily, I did try to reach out before turning my back on everything; it sucked, and I hated having to explain it to people because it was such a downer of a mood. Also, people don’t have a lot of answers to tell you during those moments – there was a lot of directionless reaching out, until surprisingly, my boss found out our benefit plan had access to therapy.
Eventually, after several good and not-so-good experiences towards recovering, I found that depression and my (self-reported) ADHD were barriers towards my performance at work. Once I started working towards those issues, I was able to slowly reintroduce a few of my hobbies, including this blog. I’m just glad that I still find the time and motivation to make posts here, and that there are people out there listening.
So, moving back to what has been causing a lack of posts – I feel like I’m being tested on my ability to find support through my journey. With managing my mental health and neuro diverse thinking, I saw how important it was to have during that time of reconfiguring. Recently though, it cleared my mind enough to see that l had another thing coming for me: after 28 years, I am acknowledging that I am transgender and I am intending to transition.
Reactions have been ranging between total acceptance, to denial, and also to a feeling of loss for others. Going back to a time where I came out as “not straight”, a lot of people were ready to accept it; I thought I had gathered enough support from my last journey, but I quickly saw how important it was to continue searching and connecting with others for this upcoming journey. I was startled by how easy it was to feel alone again.
A lot of time has been used towards this part of my life, which is why I haven’t found the time to make anything new. Maybe I needed to sort this out before feeling like I could get back at it again. With this part if me in plain sight, it feels like a huge weight off of my shoulders. Despite feeling vulnerable, it’s letting me move on. Honestly, I’m hoping that the only ones who really care have read to this point.
I want to share this experience and become visible so that I may also be available to support other people. I don’t think any past versions of me would have been comfortable opening up this much to the general public; I’m hoping that taking this step will lead me to the life I had been too afraid to pursue, until now. None of this would have existed if I hadn’t received support; for me, this is my way of expressing gratitude to those who were there to help.
Thanks for reading! I’m hoping to get back into it for May.